Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Okay, I have been wanting a picture like this forever. I found one online the other day but it was $40.00. Well, I certainly couldn't do that for a picture (I am CHEAP). So I traveled around the house and took pictures of things that looked like letters or were letters! FAITH~ The first thing looked like an F to me. It is the handle on one of my vases! The next letter is an A, and it was on my sign above my door in the dining room! The third is my I and it is on a candle stick in the living room. The third is a T and it is the railing on the fence around the fire place. And last but not least is the H is the panes in my french door!!! So for nothing more than an hour, I have a $40.00 picture =-)
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Saturday, June 12, 2010

Such tragedy....

Flooding on the Caddo River at Gleenwood.
This little girl is missing from the Albert Pike flood. Please look at her face, and if anyone sees her please contact someone. Her name is Jayden and she is 7 years old. Her father and sister are missing, and her mother is still alive.


As many know by now, Arkansas has once again been hit by devastation. The Albert Pike campground was flooded by flash flooding thursday night. I awoke yesterday morning to all sorts of emails, alerts and news pages stating that 16 had been killed and many more missing or injured. I just wanted to curl up. Hopefully I don't know anyone over there, but even if I don't, the stories of the kids drowning and the horrific stories coming out of there is heart wrenching. God has plans and I don't try to question them, and I know that we should praise him in this storm. That is what is helping me to keep my head up.


All the images are hard though. And I know what the parents that have lost their little children are thinking. I remember thinking those nights and weeks after Bethanie drowned, "was she crying for me?" "Was she scared?" "Did she wonder why mommie wasn't helping her?"


Each parent that has lost a child in this tragedy is thinking the same thing right now. Their world has been ripped apart in the twinkle of an eye.


Mothers watched as their husbands were washed away with their children in his hands. How can you live with such an image in your mind for the rest of your life? I couldn't! Just seeing or hearing these images, brings back the flood of smells, pictures, and things that happened that day with Bethanie.


They are saying now that there could be up to 300 ppl in that area. 300 PEOPLE!! So many lost and missing, so many feared dead. How can one do their job of finding these people? I would ache and be torn apart forever!


I didn't sleep last night, and eating hasn't been on my list of things to do. I haven't had but a few bites in the last two days. I guess my body is just not wanting to think about things, and if I eat I get sick at my stomach.


I wasn't even there you guys, and I can see the images of people fighting for their lives in that water. I just don't understand why this is hitting me so hard. I just don't understand!!


I know it has everything to do with Bethanie, and I have heard of many people loosing their lives in water since her. I think more than likely it is the fact these people didn't know what was happening. These small children didn't know what was hitting them and didn't know what to do when it did happen. Defenseless I guess is the word for it. I am terrified since we leave tomorrow morning for a week camping trip in Branson. We are staying on the water at Tablerock lake. I am scared to go, I am scared to stay. It is supposed to rain, how will I cope with that? I just don't know what to do. I really don't want to go, but the family promise me that a lake won't do that. A river will, but a lake won't! I pray their right!! You guys please help me in praying for all these families, help to pray that the victims are found alive, that the families find comfort in the Lord!!


I won't question the Lord, I won't ask why. I will accept his hand in this and will praise his holy name. Not my will Lord, but thine will!!



Thursday, May 20, 2010

The First cavity...

Man, I hate to say it, but my little baby girl Aleeyah has her first cavity. I hate it. I felt like such a bad mother (even though I brush her teeth three times a day), he pulled me off the side and told the verdict. It is a long verdict to, the scary part is they are going to have to put her out. That terrifies me..and so many thoughts of Bethanie laying there sedated when she had her belly surgery flows back.
Although this is her mouth I am just terrified. She is okay with it.
The first thing they are going to do is pull the tooth that has the cavity. Then, in order to keep the teeth from spacing wrong, they are going to cap the tooth in front of it and add a wire bar to it to attach to the back tooth. We did get news that her front teeth are great, but her adult teeth are getting ready to push those through. Aleeyah is looking forward to her first experience with the tooth fairy. I hope the tooth fairy hasn't been hit by the economy haha.
He will then fill the second tooth that he believes has the start of a cavity, and add a cap to it. This whole procedure will take about two hours, and we have to be there at 7:30 that morning. We are just going to stay up there the night before.
We are counting down the days to our Degray lake vacation, and I can't wait. I just hope it don't storm like it has been doing, I mean we will be in camper for heavens sake.
I went to see Dr. R today and he gave me the medicine to loose the last twenty pounds I have been fighting with.. He told me that since I am not that over weight that I will only be allowed three months of the pills. I can handle that, so long as the weight comes off.
I would love to send a shout out to my best friend Shauna. Today is her birthday and she is a special person......

Friday, May 7, 2010

SUYL~~Kelly's Korners~~ Childrens Names



Kelly at Kelly's Korner is having her weekly show us your life post. This week it is what the names of your future children or the name of your children. So here we go.


Bethanie Nichole

Bethanie was our first child. Coming up with her name was the easiest task we had. I was certain that I wanted her middle name to be Nichole, but the first name was a loss. We were reading the bible one morning and I read the story of the Lord coming to the city of Bethany. I was in love! So I had to pass the inspection with my husband of course and he said he would think about it. We got into the car that afternoon and were listening to the radio. It was a sermon from a local church and the preacher was preaching the story of the Lord going into the city of Bethany. I looked at Sam and he agreed that our first daughter would be named Bethany. Bethany is a Hebrew name meaning "House of figs" and I loved it. Little did we know that 16 months after her birth, Bethanie Nichole would go to be with the Lord.


Aleeyah Faithe




For 6 years I tried to get pregnant. Fertility was beginning to be a concern, so I had to go to a specialist. Sure enough I was going to have to take treatments. The first round was unsuccessful and I was disappointed. I started my second round of Clomid with the doctors words echoing through my mind! YOU HAVE TO HAVE FAITH!! Within the first month I was pregnant. I was sure that the second time around I would have a little boy. I had picked out names for a boy, Tryndyn Samuel (Treen din). We have our ultrasound and the Dr. says "guess what Stacy, you got a baby girl." OH MY!!! I was excited and the name game began. At the same time a popular singer in the pop world had been killed in a plain crash. Aaliyah, was a very good singer, though I was not a fan. Yet I loved the name. So I passed the name on to Sam who instantly loved it. What about the middle name? Well, I had to have faith to have her, so what better name? So with a little spelling change...Aleeyah Faithe was born.

Averrie Samarah

Okay, so fertility treatments with Aleeyah and I knew that I was not going to get pregnant very quickly. Well that was an understatement. When Aleeyah was 18 months old, I found out I was pregnant. Third time is a charm right? So I bought boys clothes, and had Tryndyn's name ready to go. Within the first month I started trying to miscarry and was put on bed rest. Talk about hard to handle with an 18 month old running around and a hubby who had to work. I made it through prayer and bed rest, and was told to come in for an ultrasound. I knew it was a boy so I was excited. The Dr. asks me what I wanted and of course I quickly said BOY! He laughed and said "well, Stacy you should be familiar with that image right there" pointing at the screen. YEP, another girl!! She was going to be my last baby and she was a she haha. Okay, so here I am again with a boys name and no girls name. She was the hardest baby to name. I wanted the perfect name for her since she was the last baby. Well, to make a long story short, her name was Jadalynn Hope for the longest time. Even at the baby shower (thankfully noone monogrammed). The night before I was scheduled to have my c-section, my husband came in and said "stacy I want to re-name the baby". WHAT? You want to rename the baby? NOW?
So, I had not allowed him to name Bethanie or Aleeyah so it was only right he get to name the last baby. I braced myself and he blurted out her name. Averrie Samarah!! I loved it thankfully!!














Thursday, April 29, 2010

Extra! Extra! Read all about it.

I am making the newspapers. OK, the newspaper! I was not feeling well this morning so I was laying on the couch. I had taken some pictures for the Marines a couple of weeks ago at the Littleton ceremony. I have a running agreement with the Marines that I will do pictures for them and when they put them in the paper, they use my name. So they sent the pictures to the Polk County Pulse and used my name of course. So this morning as I was just laying on the couch, the phone rang. I didn't know the number, so I let the answering machine get it. On the phone was LeeAnn Dilbeck who is the editor of the Polk County Pulse. She said that she had a picture that the marines had submitted to them. She wanted to hire me to take pictures for the Pulse. WHAT? I thought that I was going to fall over. She wants to contract me to take pictures for her!
She tells me to set my price and call her back. So I did and we set up the time and I told her that she could rely on me for this Saturday. I have always wanted to work for a newspaper taking pictures. My idea was taking pictures for a magazine when I was younger, and this is the next best thing. I know that this probably won't take me to far in Mena, but at least people will get to see my pictures and see the passion that I have for them!!!!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Softball, photo shoots, parties, and prayers

This has been a very busy week. On Tuesday I took some spring pictures for some friends. I have taken RH’s little girls pictures since she was born. Well, actually before she was born. I took RH’s maternity pictures also. So I was excited to get to take her eighteen month pictures as well. While I was there we decided to take RH’s nieces pictures. Baby Bella is such a sweet baby, and I was really excited to shoot her, since the last time I had taken her shots she was one month old. After I finished the shoot and got the pictures to Bella’s mommy, she texted me with a request.

See SH’s baby brother passed away last month. It was a complete shock to us all, and he was found in his home. He was only 19. When Bella was born he loved that baby dearly. Now her brother had a baby that he got to see on the weekends only. Trinity was the light of his life. When Bella was born he told his sister that Bella looked just like Trinity. As she is telling me this, I am in tears. I asked her what I could do for her and she tells me that one of the pictures that I took was similar to one that DM had of Trinity. What? How could I have a shot that looks like hers. So she sends me the picture and sure enough they are almost identical. I had changed Bella’s to black and white and she needed it in color. She cries telling me that this picture meant more than the world to her. I am so pleased I was able to capture something that could be so close to her heart.

So Wednesday comes around and we have practice for t-ball. I was sick feeling and asked Sam to please take the girls to the practice, while I stayed home to rest. I get phone calls that tells me that both girls have softball and t-ball games on Saturday. Aleeyah was having her soccer game that morning also.

Thursday was Aleeyah’s softball practice and once again I asked Sam to take her. Thankfully that was the last softball practice of the year and we can get started with the games. Why they book softball and soccer to overlap I will never know.

Friday was Acorn High School’s prom. I was hired to follow two girls around and take pictures. Their mothers did not want to mess with bringing their cameras so they called me instead. I was one busy woman and chasing to young girls was hard. My age has really began to show!! HA!

Sat was the busiest day of my life (that I can remember). Sat morning Aleeyah had a soccer game. She did so well and made a goal for the first time ever. I was so proud of her, since she never kicks the ball when it is in front of her!! She was more excited when the other kids made a goal than she was when she made one. After the soccer game, Averrie had a t-ball game at 2:30. I was unable to make that game, due to the fact that I had a prior obligation. Sam said that Averrie would not play and he set on the side lines with her the whole time. Looks like I wasted 40.00 for nothing! At 4:30, Aleeyah had her softball game. She was amazing they said. Yes, I had to miss her game to. I was having a great time at a housewarming party that I was hosting for Shauna Wagner. Shannon Aleshire and myself had decided to host this party when we found out that Shauna and gotten her house. She got loads of neat stuff and it turned out very nice!

I had my fourth fasting prayer answered today. PRAISE THE LORD!!!! Our new camper’s hot water tank was leaking pretty badly and I had looked into buying a new one and it was almost $700.00. I knew we didn’t have that kind of money laying around, so I added it to my prayer list during my fast. Guess what? Sam took the tank out today and found the problem, which can be fixed for less than $30.00. PRAISE GOD!!! I knew that if I prayed it would help!!

Also, I decided that since I had hit the bottle all week (Tylenol bottle that is), that I should take nothing last night and today. Well, it didn’t take long for the fever to come on and sickness to follow. I have spent my Sunday sick and wishing I could do the things that I didn’t get to do all week. Now tomorrow starts another week with Aleeyah having a softball game Monday night, and a soccer game on Friday and Tuesday! I get myself into the worse binds sometimes!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Oh how I want a burger!!

So this is day 9 on my fast. I am not allowed meat, caffeine, or cokes. I am a stress eater, and when I think something is seriously getting to me I have a Diet Dr. pepper and a slim Jim. Oh, this week has been complete torture. Being that it is the most stressful week to date, it wasn't the best time to do this fast. I have held fast though, and I am almost to my 10 days marker.
I began this fast with many prayers that I wanted answered. I must tell you that three of them have been answered PRAISE THE LORD!!
1st. I wanted my granny to come home. I wanted her here in Mena so that I could call her, so that I could go by there and see her. Just to know she was here gave me comfort.
2nd. I wanted (as materialistic as it may seem), a camper. I was stressed about trying to find one, and was in constant irritation when I couldn't get Sam to look at any. Nothing was in our price range, so I prayed that the Lord would send one in our price range and he did.
3rd. I prayed that my grandfather would let us see my granny. He told us that we couldn't see her, and that we couldn't call her. I knew that she needed family at this time and he was keeping her from that. Thankfully, my grandfather changed his mind and allowed us to see her Sunday afternoon.
Three prayers answered and I feel wonderful about this!!

Friday, April 9, 2010

One, two, three strikes your out…..

Sometimes life throws you curve balls! Most of the time when I get thrown a curve ball, I pick up my bat and hit it out of the park. A home run that is over the fence and long gone!! Here lately though I have been striking out badly. First, we bought a new camper. Now that would usually be a great thing, but during this time is was the most stressful time in my life (well, there are some that top that). We had to get it licensed and pay the sales tax on it. Boy that ball hit the parked car three miles from the field on that one.

Then to top things off, my grandfather called. My granny was able to come home Wednesday. I was so excited, and told the girls that we would be seeing granny this weekend! They were so excited and were wanting to pick her some flowers. Then my grandfather called and said “No kids, No visitors, No phone calls.” WHAT?! I can’t call my granny, I can’t take the girls to see granny, I can’t come and see granny.

He said that the doctor told him that granny’s immune system was very frail, and that children were walking germs. I don’t disagree that children can pop a fever faster than anything, but I would never bring the girls around if I thought that they were sick. I was like that before she had cancer, and I would do the same now! He is not even allowing her to take phone calls. There are so many things that I could say to this, so many things that I could scream at the top of my lungs. What am I to do? Nothing!! There is nothing I can do, but wish that things were different. So yet another ball that I struck at and missed horribly!!

So tonight, on a night that I feel like I have just failed with all that i have tried to do today, I am finishing the day off watching Julia & Julie, and listening to Aleeyah chat about anything she finds amusing. I realize that it doesn’t really matter if I hit all the balls, just if I am a good sport about the ones that I don’t hit!!!

Monday, February 22, 2010

I told a white lie!!!

I told some time ago that I was going to lay down my camera and not pick it up again. Things were getting crazy and life was to hectic to be out doing pictures. Until....a girl that I had taken some pictures for earlier in the year called me. She said she had a friend who had been done a litttle wrong on some pictures and wanted to know if I could help her out. I won't say that I didn't hesitate, cause I did. This girl needed help though and I wanted to help her. So I set up a time with her.
Now I remembr why I love taking pictures. When people oooo and awww at my shots, I feel alive. Like I have finally did something right with my camera!! I hope you guys enjoy them!!
Carrie Jo graduates this year. Hard to believe that her favorite color is black and that is all she wears. She is such a pretty girl. I have never taken pictures that looked like this in the house. I hate inside shots, you cannot control the light inside as well as you can outside. Outside, I have God's beauty to work with. Inside I have what I can locate for a prop.
I am glad that Carrie Jo is happy with her pictures and felt like she got her money's worth!!



Sunday, February 14, 2010

Very Interesting

I recently received a magazine in the mail called The Whistleblower. This magazine was quite interesting and caused me to pose some serious questions. I am going to share some bits and pieces of the article that I found in this magazine.

  Whistleblower Magazine, article by Jane M. Orient, M.D.

               “Doctor’s group opposed all vaccine mandates. Out children face the possibility of death or serious long-term adverse effects” Dr. Orient states at the first of the article. So Drs have came out against vaccines? Is that what this is saying?

Let’s read more about this.

               “While health professionals, politicians and the public debate the wisdom of mandating that little girls be vaccinated with unproven inoculations to prevent sexually  transmitted diseases, at least one major physicians organization has come out in opposition to all government-mandated vaccinations- even for the traditional childhood vaccines.  The Association of American Physicians and Surgeons, a 4,000-member professional association established in 1943, has called for a moratorium on the government forcing vaccines on the American people. the resolution, passed back in 2000 at the annual meeting in St. Louise, was approved without a single “no” vote. “Our children face the possibility of death or serious long-term adverse effects from the mandated vaccines that are not necessary or that have very limited benefits,” said Jane M. Orient, M.D. the group’s executive director.”

WOW!! So there are thousands of Drs in the United States that oppose vaccinations! This is amazing, yet scary. If doctors are standing out against the vaccines, should we not be listening. Shouldn’t we reconsider taking our children to the DR, and allowing them to “vaccinate” our children?  Let’s go back to the article.

              “Most states have mandatory vaccine policies, and many children are required to have 22 shots before first grade. On top of that, as a condition for school attendance, many school districts require vaccination for diseases such as hepatitis B-primarily an adult disease, usually spread by multiple sex partners, drug abuse or an occupation with exposure to blood. And yet, children under the age of 14 are three times more likely to suffer adverse effects- including death- following the hep B vaccine than to catch the disease itself. The doctors’ association cited that case of students in Utica, NY, who were sent home from school and told they could not return until they had been forced to receive Hep B. Their parents were threatened by CPS (child protective services) with possible seizure of their children based on  “education neglect.”

Okay, let me get this straight. The Hep B is forced on children and it is NOT even something that children can get? I don’t see newborns having sex anytime soon. I don’t see one year olds drawing blood for a living, and I don’t see my young child using any type of drug in the future.  Yet, to go to school, my child has to have this vaccine. I see an agenda here!! What ever happen to the freedom of choice? Are we robots? Would you consider yourself to be a free-thinker? Well, your not a free-thinker if the CDC (Centers for Disease Control), FDA, CPS (Child Protective services), or the WHO (World Health Organization), tell you that your child “IS REQUIRED” to take certain vaccinations that you don’t agree to. We are a free country, and should not be punished for our own decisions in health. This is not the case though. Children are taken because of the parents decision to “not-vaccinate”. They can’t attend school, college, and your doctor won’t “agree” with your decision. I would love to share more out of this amazing magazine.

                   “Vaccinations and the right to refuse:Dr. Sherry Tenpenny, D.O.”

             “The risk of vaccination must be considered as important –and potentially more serious-than the risk of a childhood disease. Years of experience and thousands of hours of research have led to conclusions that are not uniformly accepted” the importance of legally ensuring vaccine exemptions in each state and the right to refuse nationally mandated vaccinations. Humans are intrinsically healthy and tend to remain so if they are given nutritious, non –GMO foods, fresh air, and clean water. We have been blessed with God-given protective barriers against infectious disease, including our skin and immune system. Knowing that these facts are true for all members of the human species, how did we come to embrace the idea that injecting solutions of chemically treated, inactivated viruses, parts of bacteria, traces of animal tissue and heave metals, such as mercury and aluminum, was a reasonable strategy for keeping human beings-babies, children and adults-healthy? If a “dirty bomb” exposed a large segment of U.S. Citizens simultaneously to Hepatitis B, Hepatitis A, tetanus, pertusisis, diphtheria, Flu, three strains of Polio virus, 3 strains of influenza virus, measles, mumps, rubella, the chicken pox, and 7 strains of Streptococcus, we would declare a state of emergency. We would call it an “extreme act of BIOTERRISM.” The public outcry would be immense and our government would act accordingly. Yet, those are the very organisms that we inject through vaccines into our babies and small children, with immature, underdeveloped immune systems. Many are given all at the same time. But instead of bioterrism, we call it “PROTECTION”. Reflect a minute on that please!!!

Vaccine injuries are reported to be “rare”, but only because very few reactions are “accepted” by the CDC, The Institutes of medicine and the FDA as being caused by vaccinations. If a vaccine is given, and  a bad reaction occurs, “ANYTHING BUT’ the vaccine is “blamed” for the reaction.

If you give your child a chicken pox vaccine and then they get the chicken pox, they will tell you that they needed a booster, or that they have a “light” case of the chicken pox. If that vaccine would have worked, they would not have ANY case!! RIGHT??

I just thought that this magazine was really really good. Although most on here won’t agree with what it says, at least think about it next time you take the kids to “vaccinate” them!!!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Rainy days and Mondays

Always get me down. That is so true for the way that I feel today.

It is snowing, raining, sleeting, nasty nasty day. There are wrecks everywhere, and the roads are just plain slick. I had a play date set for today with two of my best friends. I had to cancel this morning and I was so looking forward to seeing them. We have the best time and we enjoy each others company so much. Another good thing is that Aleeyah and Averrie play so well with their girls EA and JW.

This has been a horrible wk for me and it is only Monday!! We built our house ourselves. After Bethanie passed away we did not want to move back to our trailer, so we decided to build a home. I finished the blue prints and Sam started working on it. When we decided to build the home, we had checked around and see what the cost would be. It was OUT of our price range, and I am allergic to payments. Seriously, I cry and can’t sleep if I have any payments that are not paid for.

So during the build, we laid our own rocks for our woodstove/chimney. The outside we were finishing slowly, since ladders couldn’t reach the 14-16 ft up that we needed. We recently noticed that the fireplace chimney on the outside had a crack. Well that crack turned MUCH worse last night.

This is only adding to the stress that I have with granny, Aleeyah’s grades due in less than a wk, and now this. Just what I didn’t need. So I have spent the morning calling masonry men, and asking for prices. Oh, prices are not good!!!

I hope that this gets done soon, and that this wk gets better. I can’t take much more.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

So we found out the results..

We went to see granny’s oncologist today in Fort Smith. We were going to find out the results on the PET-1 scan. This scan was going to let us know if the cancer had spread to any other part of the body. As you know I was nervous about going today, and I know that granny was to. She said that she was unable to sleep all night and she was tired today and wanted to sleep all the way up there. We were right on time, and the doctors office was NOT on time. My goodness it was an hour before they called us back. When we got back there Dr. Amhanzaden told us the results of the Pet-1 scan. I could see the apprehension in his eyes and you could hear it in his voice. The cancer has not spread to her entire body, but it has spread to the lymph glands around the lung, and some in her esophagus.

He then explained that the “spot” radiation would not work. The tumor was TO BIG to use that treatment. So she will have to have the old type of procedure. We will take her every day for the next 2 months to Fort Smith for radiation. Then on the third or fourth day of the radiation she will have a 3 hour dose of chemotherapy.

He said that if she reacts to the Chemo in a good way that there was an 85%-95% chance that they can shrink the tumor. He wanted to make sure that we understand that he does not think that he can shrink all of the tumor. He said that the tumor is just way to big. She also has the cancer that is caused by smoking. She has smoked for 54 years and I wish she would have stopped years ago. My am praying that all my friends and family will stop smoking and soon.

The next couple of months could be hard on the whole family. My uncle will be taking my granny for her first treatment. Then between my parents, my aunt and myself will break the trips up. This two trips this week has killed me. I am behind on the house, I am behind on the schooling, and I am behind on sleep!!

Hopefully things will get better, but everyone keeps us in your prayers. We are going to be on the road alot the next couple of months.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

She took care of me….

Now I will return the gesture.

The family knew that when Granny got her lung cancer diagnosis, that we were going to have to step up and help. Someone was going to have to help her make it to her appointments. That started this wk. Monday night mom calls me to let me know that she is taking granny and pa to FS to see the doc. Then calls me back about an hour later and tells me that something has come up with Telissa and she can’t make it. I totally understand that, so I offer to take them to FS.

I tell Sam when he gets up that I will be heading to FS Tuesday morning, and that he will have to take care of the girls. That was fine with him and I got things ready to go.
We left at 9:00am, and I was nervous. I was afraid that granny was going to hurt, that granny was going to get car sick and that my driving would scare her. I took my time and we made it to FS at around 10:00 am, just in time for her appointment.

My grandfather and I thought that this PET-1 scan would take around 15-20 mins to complete and then we would eat lunch and be back on the road home.
We register and the nurse tells us that this scan would take up to 2 hours. This PET-1 scan is the scan that will determine if the cancer has spread anywhere else in the body. If the cancer has spread to any part of the body there will be no treatment. If it is located in just the lung, we will be able to have chemo/radiation therapy.

They then let us know that we will need to come back to FS on Thursday for the reading of the PET-1 scan. No one else could take them, so once again I will be going to FS. Tomorrow morning at 6:30 am I will be taking them to the doctors office to find out what the scan says.

This is a little emotional for me. First, I am having to take off home school again to go out of town, and second it is suppose to rain. Then to top all things off, I will be there when they tell my granny whether she has it all over her body or not. I have so many mixed emotions right now. Scared about driving in the rain, scared about the verdict on the cancer. I am scared that I will have to restrain myself all the way home, and that my grandpa will break down. What do I say, what do I do, how do I respond?

To think that if they do tell my granny that there is nothing that they can do and that she is going to have to just go home with Hospice care, that I will be driving her home to die. I will be taking her back to her house, dropping her off to die!! That is a horrible thing to think about. I know that God has a plan, that it is his will, not mine. It is just that the human part of me, thinks about things like that.

I am just so emotional and scared of the unknown. What will be, what has to be, what must be. All the what if’s that will be on my mind. What if…she had quit smoking? What if….she was in better health? What if…she had decided to use chemo/radiation?

I guess in the end, the truth is that we are all on God’s timing. He tells us that our lives are like vapors, here today and gone tomorrow.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

An Apple a day…

Well, my granny got out of the hospital yesterday. I was scared that the trip home in the snow would be horrible for her. My grandfather drives horrible without snow, much less add that to the equation.

We went over and seen granny today and she was feeling pretty good. She was in bed, and the girls were a bit scared of her, since she had O2 in her nose. After a while they realized that it was just granny. I am going to try to take her back to FS to have her full body scan this wk.

What surprises me is she is okay with all that is going on. She said “Stacy, if something happens it is God’s will”. I hope that if anything ever happens like that to me that I am able to cope with it like she is doing.

So today I start on my cabbage water diet. This is a fad diet and I am sure won’t work wonders like my little pills did. I am willing to try anything. I have 15 to 20 pounds that I would love to get off this body. Wish me luck….

We have been loving the snow, and the days off. Sam had to work but me and the girls were able to just laze around. Then yesterday we took the girls outside and Sam and myself decided to get into a snow ball fight. Usually I get mad and tell him to stop, but it was Averrie this time. The first time she was hit by a snow ball she went crazy. Guess daughter like mother right!??!?!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Here comes the sun.....NOT!!!!!!!!!!

Actually here comes the ice. I hate snow, I hate ice. After the last ice storm in 2000, I prepare way before they hit. I was working at the hospital in the ER, and one of the only places to have electricity. Of course I had to stay there for a wk, before I could come home. I am glad that I am at home this time around. Weather channel says that this could be A HUGE ice maker, and I hope you guys are ready.
We are!!!!
1. We have our gas for our generator. We learned during the tornado that we needed a generator, so we went and bought one.
2. We have enough fire wood for heat. We have enough to last us two months on the back fire rack. Now if we can stomach the cold to go outside and get it.
3. Sam went to wal-mart to get "supplies", and came back with 15-20 bags of stuff. We won't go hungry!!!
4. We have loads of movies to watch, and WiFi so I can have Internet (can't go without Facebook)
One thing I worry about is my granny, who remains in the hospital in stable condition. My mom went up there this morning, but I was unable to go. We did get Averrie's sickness taken care of, and thankfully she is all better. No fever today and no more belly ache. She hated the ex lax, but hey you have to try everything!!!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Home and back again..

Granny got to come home yesterday afternoon. The girls were so excited, and was making her get well cards last night. We were all drawing when my great uncle from Arizona called. He said that he had been calling granny's house and couldn't get them. I was sure they had went to bed, and that it was nothing more. Then my mother called and said that they had granny back at the ER in Mena, and that they were rushing her to Ft. Smith. Her lung was releasing air into her body cavity. They said at Mena that this was common, but FS never told the family that this could happen. Granny was pretty swollen and we are not sure what will happen now. My mother and myself are heading up there tomorrow, and hopefully Averrie will be better so that we can take the girls with us. Granny wants to see them really bad, and I am afraid that she will have to be kept in the hospital and won't get to come home.
On another note, Sam has found Night Rider on Netflix. HEAVEN HELP ME!!! I can't stand David Hasslehoff, and would rather not listen to K.I.T speak. He seems to be in heaven over there, with the girls setting next to him, just as interested as he is. Aleeyah can't believe that a car can talk haha. I wonder if I should turn on the cordless phone, since it messes up the WiFi signal and it causes the Netflix to go out. Let's see if it causes a commotion...YEP, it sure does!!! This could be fun!!!

Friday, January 22, 2010

The struggle begins...

I called my grandmother's room today and can hear her in the back ground moaning. The hardest noise I could ever hear, to know she is hurting so badly. I have such mixed emotions right now. Pain, anger, hurt, restlessness, uncertainty and so many more. We have the official results back, my grandmother is dieing of stage four lung cancer. There is no other measures that they can do to save her life. She has less than months to live. I think the fear that she will suffer is overwhelming, the fear that she is going to hurt. I don't want her to hurt. She has told of her wishes, she has taken her steps to make everything prepared. How do you prepare yourself, for what is going to happen? I don't know? I can't prepare myself for what I know is going to happen. My heart just aches so badly. As I set here, the tears just won't stop, next to my mom, and sam, my granny is my best friend. I am not ready to loose her, I wanted her to see Aleeyah graduate, I wanted her to see Averrie play sports. My granny loves her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. They are her life, her breath that she breaths daily. I have asked my aunt when she calls back to just put the phone to grannies ear, I just want to tell her that I love her. That she means the world to me, to my kids. I am angered at my cousin EB, who has had nothing to do with my granny in the last two or three years, and suddenly she swings in here, and tries to take over things. Does she not know how many times my granny called me crying, and telling me that she didn't understand why EB hated her so much. She hasn't seen her children in months and even then it was for about 5-10 mins and she said that they had to run. I don't regret anything that I have done for/with/to my granny. I have always tried to be there so much for her, and made sure she got the opportunity to see her great grandchildren. I know that all these feelings that I am having is due to the grief that I can't seem to control. The pain that is so intense that not even medicine can ease it. To loose someone suddenly is so hard, I have been there, but to watch them lay and hurt and suffer is so much harder. You would think you would have time to learn to face the long, hard, truth, but we are only 4 days into this and I cannot wrap my head around it. I can't for the life of me, comprehend how, why, and why cancer. I know that the Lord tells me that we are only promised 3 score and ten years, around 70 years old, anything after that is burrowed time. It is just that somehow I feel that granny is just going to miss so much, and that isn't fair. My children, I wanted them to have the same relationship with granny that I did, all the late night snacks, and the playing with jewelry. They have their own, but they are 5 and 3, they could have so many more. I don't question God's plan, or his intentions, I just ask that he comforts us. Wraps his arms around us and comforts us!!!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Oh me, Oh my.....

I seriously think I could just set down and CRY. We have heard from my aunt, who is in FS with my grandmother. Things are not good. When they attempted the surgery both of her lungs collapsed. She is awake now, but is hurting really badly, and she is vomiting really bad. Both of which they are not controlling with anything. The hospital refuses to give her anything else, since she had complications during surgery.
I feel so torn, should I try to make it to FS tonight? Should I wait and go tomorrow? What if something happens tonight and I don't get to say goodbye?
I thought that maybe I would just share a couple of memories that I have of my grandmother. When I was young, she was my best friend. We use to set up late at night and watch movies in the living room, while I played with her BOX and I mean BOX of jewelry. Rings that I loved to play with, and movies I remember still to this day. How she use to take me to Sonic and get french fries with cheese when I was (faking) sick. Just so I could go and see her. The grill cheeses that she used to make me and her chicken and dumplings, and setting in her chair late at night with her. The way she smells and the way she does her hair. Setting on the washing machine, while she let us fix our hair and put on makeup. The Loads and loads of bubbles that she use to put into the bathtub with us.
You know the saddest thing is, although she has not had the same memories with my girls. They have made their own. She always makes chocolate milk for the girls and has a huge bag of candy bars for them. She always turns the tv to cartoons, and sets and rocks them like she use to do me. I think that is the most devastating part, how am I supposed to tell the girls?
How do I tell them that granny-great is sick? What if it does come to her leaving this world? What do I tell them when that time comes? How do I explain the situation of life and death to the girls?
I just continue to be torn. I don't take loosing someone, or something happening to my family like this. Even though my grandmother has not passed away, and you might be thinking that I am jumping the gun a bit. You don't know my grandma. Her health is HORRIBLE, she weighs 89 pounds, she is sick all the time. When the doctor tells you that Chemo will be no help because she is to weak you have to face reality! They were unable to take the tumor out, so she will have a 6 by 6 area in her lung that could stretch to other areas. Things are just coming in bit by bit. Please continue to pray, and I will continue to blog.

Prayer sweet prayer

Well, my grandmother has been fighting lung infections for months now. I told her the other day that something was wrong and she needed to get it checked out. This morning they went to FS, to the doc and had a tumor removed from her lung. Well, I just received the call and she has full blown lung cancer. My aunt is up there with them and said that my grandpa had broke down on her, and that granny-great doesn't know just yet. They haven't told her, and we don't know what to say. She had not told anyone about the tumor, except me. I had to keep it quite till she was ready to tell them.
Granny is the life to my kids. They cry to go up there, they love her so much. How am I supposed to tell them? I have never had to explain something to them before, not like this. Granny is NOT in good health and is only 90 pounds. I am scared that things won't go well, and how do I explain that? So I am asking you all to pray, cause I know that prayer can and will change things.
Dear Lord,
I pray that you heal granny-greats body dear Lord. If it is her time dear Lord, I pray that you give us and the rest of the family the guidance, love and comfort that you can. Dear Lord, I pray that if granny is to come and meet you during this time, please make sure that her life is with you. That she knows your glory and that you died for her sins. Dear Lord, I pray that the rift between the family will close, and will allow us to fight this battle together, rather than apart. Thank you Lord for your love and I pray that we have the understanding in the next couple of months, days and years...not our will, but thine will be done!!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

HEDGE

Can you say beautiful? I know I can! For January, the weather today was just beautiful. We were a wonderful 68 degrees and the wind was just right. Of course they say that storms are coming tonight. Not a good thing for the Frost household. Aleeyah is terrified of the storms, and since the tornado, will loose loads of sleep because of it. ARGGGG....glad that I have WiFi now, that way i can watch the radar for her all night. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I have to homeschool till 12, then my sister-in-law and I are going to work out. Then I have to help my friend move. Should be fun, and hopefully it won't be raining.
Thursday night is my first HEDGE meeting. I was worried about Aleeyah having children her age to play with and interact with. Since she is home schooled, she doesn't have alot of kids that are schooled at home. So I decided that I would locate a local group of mothers who homeschool, and join their HEDGE group. I have already had one mother contact me and I can't wait to meet them all at the Family night. I am a little scared though, since I am NOT a social person. I like to be at home alone, with my girls and am scared of large crowds. This is for Aleeyah though and I can't wait. They said that we were to bring our jump ropes, our dodge balls, basketballs and games so that all the kids can play. Aleeyah is looking forward to it. She just keeps asking me if she will get to meet friends there. I tell her I sure hope so. Hopefully some of the parents will have some children her age.
On another note, I have decided that I am going to stop doing so many pictures. I am taking a break, to take time to "enjoy" doing pictures again. I don't enjoy them as much as I did, and I have not been taking them of the girls as much as I used to, and that bothers me. I am always doing other pictures and never doing my own. So from now on I will be only taking the jobs that are ones that I have been doing as favors to the friends. If anyone needs pictures I know of some awesome girls who can do some, just let me know!!!.....

Saturday, January 16, 2010

This and that...

It has been a while since I have posted a blog. Mainly because with home school, the house, my photography and things like that time isn't something I have allot of.
This has been a stressful month to say the least. About 2 weeks ago, a girl that I have taken pictures for, calls and asks if I would be willing to take some pictures. Well, I am not sure if I should do this and it took me sometime to decide. So I call her and told her yes! She said that they would take my name to the committee and let me know. 2 weeks passed so I thought that there was no use in making plans to be there. Until WEDNESDAY, and boom she calls me. She says that it is short notice, but they need me there Sat night at 6. Then the hard part starts, she wants a back ground in a color that I don't have. She was not really wanting to give on that. So I agree to work with her and try to find one, and then in the middle of me finding one, she decides that they want black. Well, that was a color that I had so I started trying to figure out what I was going to do. I was at a loss, since I was afraid that using black, a girl with a black dress would not work.
So my mother and myself set up till almost 3 am cutting and putting silver stars on the black background. When we got to the dance, we had a white tree with lots of snow, and it made it look like a stary night!! Like they were standing in snow on a winter night. I was also asked to stay afterwards to take pictures of the kids dancing. So I did, and boy was that a long night. I didn't get home till 12 am that night.
Here in the Frost household we are wired to the limit. What do I mean by that, you may ask? Well, I have been a member of Netflix for about a year. I was on the Internet the other night and noticed that you could get the movies to your tv, if you had wireless Internet. Well, I didn't have wireless (although I wanted it), so I had sold my Wii and decided to buy me a wireless router at walmart. A dear friend of mine had just set hers up and she advised me on what to get. So I got it set up and away I went and may I say WONDERFUL!! I was loving the Internet on the couch, and in the bedroom late at night when Sam was at work and the girls were sleeping. So when Sammie got home I mentioned the Insignia Blue Ray DVD player that was WiFi certified. How it could stream the Netflix to the TV. He liked the idea, and called Best Buy in Ft. smith, and needless to say off we went. We got home around 5pm last night and we set it up. Man I love it. We had gotten rid of our cable, due to high cost and the bad content that was on them. So that is the reason I joined Netflix. Now I had over 12,000 movies at my fingertips on my tv, along with Television shows. Guess what???? The lowest plan on Netflix is 8.99 and you get UNLIMITED streaming....you guys that is the way to go!! The girls are loving it, I am loving it and I am carrying the computer everywhere with me...
For the first time in my life I am so totally loving technology!!

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