The struggle begins...

I called my grandmother's room today and can hear her in the back ground moaning. The hardest noise I could ever hear, to know she is hurting so badly. I have such mixed emotions right now. Pain, anger, hurt, restlessness, uncertainty and so many more. We have the official results back, my grandmother is dieing of stage four lung cancer. There is no other measures that they can do to save her life. She has less than months to live. I think the fear that she will suffer is overwhelming, the fear that she is going to hurt. I don't want her to hurt. She has told of her wishes, she has taken her steps to make everything prepared. How do you prepare yourself, for what is going to happen? I don't know? I can't prepare myself for what I know is going to happen. My heart just aches so badly. As I set here, the tears just won't stop, next to my mom, and sam, my granny is my best friend. I am not ready to loose her, I wanted her to see Aleeyah graduate, I wanted her to see Averrie play sports. My granny loves her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. They are her life, her breath that she breaths daily. I have asked my aunt when she calls back to just put the phone to grannies ear, I just want to tell her that I love her. That she means the world to me, to my kids. I am angered at my cousin EB, who has had nothing to do with my granny in the last two or three years, and suddenly she swings in here, and tries to take over things. Does she not know how many times my granny called me crying, and telling me that she didn't understand why EB hated her so much. She hasn't seen her children in months and even then it was for about 5-10 mins and she said that they had to run. I don't regret anything that I have done for/with/to my granny. I have always tried to be there so much for her, and made sure she got the opportunity to see her great grandchildren. I know that all these feelings that I am having is due to the grief that I can't seem to control. The pain that is so intense that not even medicine can ease it. To loose someone suddenly is so hard, I have been there, but to watch them lay and hurt and suffer is so much harder. You would think you would have time to learn to face the long, hard, truth, but we are only 4 days into this and I cannot wrap my head around it. I can't for the life of me, comprehend how, why, and why cancer. I know that the Lord tells me that we are only promised 3 score and ten years, around 70 years old, anything after that is burrowed time. It is just that somehow I feel that granny is just going to miss so much, and that isn't fair. My children, I wanted them to have the same relationship with granny that I did, all the late night snacks, and the playing with jewelry. They have their own, but they are 5 and 3, they could have so many more. I don't question God's plan, or his intentions, I just ask that he comforts us. Wraps his arms around us and comforts us!!!