So we found out the results..

We went to see granny’s oncologist today in Fort Smith. We were going to find out the results on the PET-1 scan. This scan was going to let us know if the cancer had spread to any other part of the body. As you know I was nervous about going today, and I know that granny was to. She said that she was unable to sleep all night and she was tired today and wanted to sleep all the way up there. We were right on time, and the doctors office was NOT on time. My goodness it was an hour before they called us back. When we got back there Dr. Amhanzaden told us the results of the Pet-1 scan. I could see the apprehension in his eyes and you could hear it in his voice. The cancer has not spread to her entire body, but it has spread to the lymph glands around the lung, and some in her esophagus.

He then explained that the “spot” radiation would not work. The tumor was TO BIG to use that treatment. So she will have to have the old type of procedure. We will take her every day for the next 2 months to Fort Smith for radiation. Then on the third or fourth day of the radiation she will have a 3 hour dose of chemotherapy.

He said that if she reacts to the Chemo in a good way that there was an 85%-95% chance that they can shrink the tumor. He wanted to make sure that we understand that he does not think that he can shrink all of the tumor. He said that the tumor is just way to big. She also has the cancer that is caused by smoking. She has smoked for 54 years and I wish she would have stopped years ago. My am praying that all my friends and family will stop smoking and soon.

The next couple of months could be hard on the whole family. My uncle will be taking my granny for her first treatment. Then between my parents, my aunt and myself will break the trips up. This two trips this week has killed me. I am behind on the house, I am behind on the schooling, and I am behind on sleep!!

Hopefully things will get better, but everyone keeps us in your prayers. We are going to be on the road alot the next couple of months.

She took care of me….

Now I will return the gesture.

The family knew that when Granny got her lung cancer diagnosis, that we were going to have to step up and help. Someone was going to have to help her make it to her appointments. That started this wk. Monday night mom calls me to let me know that she is taking granny and pa to FS to see the doc. Then calls me back about an hour later and tells me that something has come up with Telissa and she can’t make it. I totally understand that, so I offer to take them to FS.

I tell Sam when he gets up that I will be heading to FS Tuesday morning, and that he will have to take care of the girls. That was fine with him and I got things ready to go.
We left at 9:00am, and I was nervous. I was afraid that granny was going to hurt, that granny was going to get car sick and that my driving would scare her. I took my time and we made it to FS at around 10:00 am, just in time for her appointment.

My grandfather and I thought that this PET-1 scan would take around 15-20 mins to complete and then we would eat lunch and be back on the road home.
We register and the nurse tells us that this scan would take up to 2 hours. This PET-1 scan is the scan that will determine if the cancer has spread anywhere else in the body. If the cancer has spread to any part of the body there will be no treatment. If it is located in just the lung, we will be able to have chemo/radiation therapy.

They then let us know that we will need to come back to FS on Thursday for the reading of the PET-1 scan. No one else could take them, so once again I will be going to FS. Tomorrow morning at 6:30 am I will be taking them to the doctors office to find out what the scan says.

This is a little emotional for me. First, I am having to take off home school again to go out of town, and second it is suppose to rain. Then to top all things off, I will be there when they tell my granny whether she has it all over her body or not. I have so many mixed emotions right now. Scared about driving in the rain, scared about the verdict on the cancer. I am scared that I will have to restrain myself all the way home, and that my grandpa will break down. What do I say, what do I do, how do I respond?

To think that if they do tell my granny that there is nothing that they can do and that she is going to have to just go home with Hospice care, that I will be driving her home to die. I will be taking her back to her house, dropping her off to die!! That is a horrible thing to think about. I know that God has a plan, that it is his will, not mine. It is just that the human part of me, thinks about things like that.

I am just so emotional and scared of the unknown. What will be, what has to be, what must be. All the what if’s that will be on my mind. What if…she had quit smoking? What if….she was in better health? What if…she had decided to use chemo/radiation?

I guess in the end, the truth is that we are all on God’s timing. He tells us that our lives are like vapors, here today and gone tomorrow.

An Apple a day…

Well, my granny got out of the hospital yesterday. I was scared that the trip home in the snow would be horrible for her. My grandfather drives horrible without snow, much less add that to the equation.

We went over and seen granny today and she was feeling pretty good. She was in bed, and the girls were a bit scared of her, since she had O2 in her nose. After a while they realized that it was just granny. I am going to try to take her back to FS to have her full body scan this wk.

What surprises me is she is okay with all that is going on. She said “Stacy, if something happens it is God’s will”. I hope that if anything ever happens like that to me that I am able to cope with it like she is doing.

So today I start on my cabbage water diet. This is a fad diet and I am sure won’t work wonders like my little pills did. I am willing to try anything. I have 15 to 20 pounds that I would love to get off this body. Wish me luck….

We have been loving the snow, and the days off. Sam had to work but me and the girls were able to just laze around. Then yesterday we took the girls outside and Sam and myself decided to get into a snow ball fight. Usually I get mad and tell him to stop, but it was Averrie this time. The first time she was hit by a snow ball she went crazy. Guess daughter like mother right!??!?!

Here comes the sun.....NOT!!!!!!!!!!

Actually here comes the ice. I hate snow, I hate ice. After the last ice storm in 2000, I prepare way before they hit. I was working at the hospital in the ER, and one of the only places to have electricity. Of course I had to stay there for a wk, before I could come home. I am glad that I am at home this time around. Weather channel says that this could be A HUGE ice maker, and I hope you guys are ready.

We are!!!!

1. We have our gas for our generator. We learned during the tornado that we needed a generator, so we went and bought one.

2. We have enough fire wood for heat. We have enough to last us two months on the back fire rack. Now if we can stomach the cold to go outside and get it.

3. Sam went to wal-mart to get "supplies", and came back with 15-20 bags of stuff. We won't go hungry!!!

4. We have loads of movies to watch, and WiFi so I can have Internet (can't go without Facebook)

One thing I worry about is my granny, who remains in the hospital in stable condition. My mom went up there this morning, but I was unable to go. We did get Averrie's sickness taken care of, and thankfully she is all better. No fever today and no more belly ache. She hated the ex lax, but hey you have to try everything!!!

Home and back again..

Granny got to come home yesterday afternoon. The girls were so excited, and was making her get well cards last night. We were all drawing when my great uncle from Arizona called. He said that he had been calling granny's house and couldn't get them. I was sure they had went to bed, and that it was nothing more. Then my mother called and said that they had granny back at the ER in Mena, and that they were rushing her to Ft. Smith. Her lung was releasing air into her body cavity. They said at Mena that this was common, but FS never told the family that this could happen. Granny was pretty swollen and we are not sure what will happen now. My mother and myself are heading up there tomorrow, and hopefully Averrie will be better so that we can take the girls with us. Granny wants to see them really bad, and I am afraid that she will have to be kept in the hospital and won't get to come home.

On another note, Sam has found Night Rider on Netflix. HEAVEN HELP ME!!! I can't stand David Hasslehoff, and would rather not listen to K.I.T speak. He seems to be in heaven over there, with the girls setting next to him, just as interested as he is. Aleeyah can't believe that a car can talk haha. I wonder if I should turn on the cordless phone, since it messes up the WiFi signal and it causes the Netflix to go out. Let's see if it causes a commotion...YEP, it sure does!!! This could be fun!!!

The struggle begins...

I called my grandmother's room today and can hear her in the back ground moaning. The hardest noise I could ever hear, to know she is hurting so badly. I have such mixed emotions right now. Pain, anger, hurt, restlessness, uncertainty and so many more. We have the official results back, my grandmother is dieing of stage four lung cancer. There is no other measures that they can do to save her life. She has less than months to live. I think the fear that she will suffer is overwhelming, the fear that she is going to hurt. I don't want her to hurt. She has told of her wishes, she has taken her steps to make everything prepared. How do you prepare yourself, for what is going to happen? I don't know? I can't prepare myself for what I know is going to happen. My heart just aches so badly. As I set here, the tears just won't stop, next to my mom, and sam, my granny is my best friend. I am not ready to loose her, I wanted her to see Aleeyah graduate, I wanted her to see Averrie play sports. My granny loves her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. They are her life, her breath that she breaths daily. I have asked my aunt when she calls back to just put the phone to grannies ear, I just want to tell her that I love her. That she means the world to me, to my kids. I am angered at my cousin EB, who has had nothing to do with my granny in the last two or three years, and suddenly she swings in here, and tries to take over things. Does she not know how many times my granny called me crying, and telling me that she didn't understand why EB hated her so much. She hasn't seen her children in months and even then it was for about 5-10 mins and she said that they had to run. I don't regret anything that I have done for/with/to my granny. I have always tried to be there so much for her, and made sure she got the opportunity to see her great grandchildren. I know that all these feelings that I am having is due to the grief that I can't seem to control. The pain that is so intense that not even medicine can ease it. To loose someone suddenly is so hard, I have been there, but to watch them lay and hurt and suffer is so much harder. You would think you would have time to learn to face the long, hard, truth, but we are only 4 days into this and I cannot wrap my head around it. I can't for the life of me, comprehend how, why, and why cancer. I know that the Lord tells me that we are only promised 3 score and ten years, around 70 years old, anything after that is burrowed time. It is just that somehow I feel that granny is just going to miss so much, and that isn't fair. My children, I wanted them to have the same relationship with granny that I did, all the late night snacks, and the playing with jewelry. They have their own, but they are 5 and 3, they could have so many more. I don't question God's plan, or his intentions, I just ask that he comforts us. Wraps his arms around us and comforts us!!!

Oh me, Oh my.....

I seriously think I could just set down and CRY. We have heard from my aunt, who is in FS with my grandmother. Things are not good. When they attempted the surgery both of her lungs collapsed. She is awake now, but is hurting really badly, and she is vomiting really bad. Both of which they are not controlling with anything. The hospital refuses to give her anything else, since she had complications during surgery.

I feel so torn, should I try to make it to FS tonight? Should I wait and go tomorrow? What if something happens tonight and I don't get to say goodbye?

I thought that maybe I would just share a couple of memories that I have of my grandmother. When I was young, she was my best friend. We use to set up late at night and watch movies in the living room, while I played with her BOX and I mean BOX of jewelry. Rings that I loved to play with, and movies I remember still to this day. How she use to take me to Sonic and get french fries with cheese when I was (faking) sick. Just so I could go and see her. The grill cheeses that she used to make me and her chicken and dumplings, and setting in her chair late at night with her. The way she smells and the way she does her hair. Setting on the washing machine, while she let us fix our hair and put on makeup. The Loads and loads of bubbles that she use to put into the bathtub with us.

You know the saddest thing is, although she has not had the same memories with my girls. They have made their own. She always makes chocolate milk for the girls and has a huge bag of candy bars for them. She always turns the tv to cartoons, and sets and rocks them like she use to do me. I think that is the most devastating part, how am I supposed to tell the girls?

How do I tell them that granny-great is sick? What if it does come to her leaving this world? What do I tell them when that time comes? How do I explain the situation of life and death to the girls?
I just continue to be torn. I don't take loosing someone, or something happening to my family like this. Even though my grandmother has not passed away, and you might be thinking that I am jumping the gun a bit. You don't know my grandma. Her health is HORRIBLE, she weighs 89 pounds, she is sick all the time. When the doctor tells you that Chemo will be no help because she is to weak you have to face reality! They were unable to take the tumor out, so she will have a 6 by 6 area in her lung that could stretch to other areas. Things are just coming in bit by bit. Please continue to pray, and I will continue to blog.